


Anbu Fuck-Ups

by PrinceofFlowers



Series: Anbu Fuck-Ups [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: A "p much everyone lives also fuck Danzo" AU, Gen, M/M, Multi, Other, Pure Crack p much, This is an AU, This is p much just the crack, it gets kinda gay later, more to come - Freeform, tags will update, there's side stories for the OCs and shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2018-03-19
Packaged: 2018-10-09 00:32:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 7,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10399674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrinceofFlowers/pseuds/PrinceofFlowers
Summary: The Anbu Black-Ops is supposed to be the most elite in the village.Too bad it's full of ridiculous people.Or,Itachi is new to the Anbu and finds out that it's Not A Serious Place, Really.





	1. An Interesting Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> Based off of a screenshot someone did.
> 
> Also I'm not too happy with this but like whatever.
> 
> There might be relationships later. It gets kind of gay. No underaged stuff tho. I'm not about that.
> 
> EDIT: I forgot Shisui isn't actually in Anbu whoops. Well, he's BASICALLY ANBU even if he isn't Officially A Member.

It was Itachi's first official day in the Anbu Black-Ops, and Kakashi was showing him around.

"In the Anbu, expect to see a lot of strange things, and meet equally strange people." Kakashi advised, openin a door to reveal two Anbu operatives, one, an Aburame by appearance, wheezing in laugher as he watched another operative-

Wait a second.

"Is he...deep-throating a mission report?" Itachi's questioned, having enough sense to not point.

Kakashi gave a long suffering sigh, and looking into his single, exposed eye, anyone could clearly see that this man was eternally tired and dead inside, completely numb to what was going on.

"Yep." He affirmed. "Like I said: strange things and equally stranger people."

The operative noticed them, and the Aburame tried to compose himself, a few giggles coming out here and there, some of his kikachu beetles breaking free of him and buzzing around, as if sharing their host's amusement.

Meanwhile, the one who was deep-throat into mission report spat it out with a loud hacking noise, coughing a few times, before wiping his mouth and looking up at the two.

"Hi Kakashi, this the new kid?" He asked, voice a little hoarse after having a mission report crammed down his threat.

"I am Uchiha Itachi. Pleased to meet you." Itachi greeted, bowing respectfully.

"Aw, you're a cutie, aren't you? Shisui's little cousin. I remember him mentioning you." He cooed, before getting up to go greet him properly.

"My name's Young-Sun. You might have heard of me. The foreigner?" He introduced himself with a rather showy bow, smiling all the while. "Most call me Ryuu though. This jackass over here is Aburame Susumu."

"Yo!" Susumu greeted, waving at Itachi.

"These two are captains of their own squads. We may end up working with them quite a bit on missions." Kakashi informed. "They're also our senpais, even if they act like imbeciles most of the time."

"Define "imbecile"." Young-Sun said playfully.

"You know damn well what that means and what you are." Kakashi shot back, not having any of his nonsense.

Susumu laughed in the background, doubling over, almost falling out of his chair, while Young-Sun chuckled and playfully batted at Kakashi.

Itachi just stood there awkwardly.

"Well! You're not entirely wrong, but at least I'm a useful imbecile, and I'm smart when I want to be." Young-Sun defended.

Kakashi rolled his eye, before beckoning Itachi to leave with him.

"We have more to see, and we don't have time for these two and their antics." Kakashi stated, ignoring the ruckus his two senpais were making at what he said.

"They are always like this?" Itachi questioned, a bit amused, but mostly...surprised.

"Unfortunately." Kakashi answered. "Those two are the worst together. The entire mission they'll be cracking jokes and being disgraces to the village. Even so, they complete their missions, so I can't complain too much." 

Interesting.

Itachi was now curious.

He looked forward to seeing what else the Anbu had in store.

Part of him would regret such eagerness later.

The Anbu truly was a strange place, and the people were even stranger.

However, there was another question Itachi had.

"Senpai? How does Ryuu-senpai know Shisui? He's not in Anbu."

Kakashi stopped dead in his tracks for a moment, before continuing on his way.

"Ryuu's all over the place, that's why." Kakashi answered. "Besides, I'm pretty sure he considers Shisui as "basically in Anbu" anyways."

Well, he wasn't wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO PROOFREADING WE DIE LIKE MEN


	2. No Pants Policy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Itachi finds stranger and stranger occurrences in the Anbu.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listening to No Pants Policy at like 2AM gave birth to this chapter.

Itachi shouldn't have had a mission today, but for some reason, he was called in.

And was stunned with what he saw when he walked in.

No one in the room was wearing pants.

No one.

Event Kakashi wasn't wearing any pants, and was, in fact, sitting on a chair, casually reading a book.

With no pants on.

And, as if nothing unusual was happening, Kakashi lazily greeting him, as did Susumu, who was lying on the floor.

Next to Ryuu.

Who finally noticed him.

And screamed.

"wHY ARE YOU HERE THIS IS YOUR DAY OFF?!"

Itachi flinched.

"I was called in for some reason. Is there something wrong, senpai? Why is everyone pantless?" Itachi responded, calm as a cucumber.

Well, mostly.

"It's our "No Pants Policy", baby Uchiha." Susumu informed. "Ryuu's just upset because he thinks it's "improper" for him to be in any state of undress in front of you, since you're so young."

"HE'S LIKE 13!" Ryuu defended.

"Yeah? And?" Susumu questioned. 

"He's barely an adolescent! Wouldn't have earned his colors yet back home, he's so young." Ryuu whisper-shouted.

"Your people live too long and are weird." Susumu shot back.

Ryuu smacked him as a response, before grabbing his pants and shuffling them back on.

"Kakashi you did this shit on purpose." Ryuu accused.

Kakashi shrugged, but his one eye glimmered.

Yes, he was guilty as charged.

"We do have a mission, but yes." Kakashi confirmed. "I did it on purpose. Payback's a bitch, isn't it?"

Ryuu just flipped him off before picking up Susumu and leaving.

Itachi was still confused.

"Senpai, is that a real policy?" Was all he could ask as the two were leaving.

Kakashi sighed, and the two troublemakers could be heard laughing at him from down the hall.

Of course it'd backfire on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO PROOFREADING WE DIE LIKE MEN


	3. Pizza Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang's all here! 
> 
> Somehow phones exist and somehow so does delivery pizza.
> 
> Amazing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's like 1AM my dudes.
> 
> Let's pretend all these ninja nerds are together for some kickass pizza.
> 
> Remember kids- tip your delivery people, and tip your waiters/waitresses. Tip them well and be nice.

For once, the whole "squad", as Ryuu called it, was together.

It consisted of Ryuu, Aburame Susumu, Uchiha Yuuta (the third member of Ryuu's genin squad and a member of the Konoha Police force), Hatake Kakashi, Tenzou, Uchiha Shisui, and now, Uchiha Itachi.

As such, Ryuu deemed it appropriate for them to have a get together at his home, to celebrate the rare occurrence of them all together and free.

"Ugh, you Uchiha are like gremlins." Susumu jokingly griped. "Turn my back for three seconds and you multiply."

"Oh shush, Susu." Ryuu chided with a smile on his face. "I'm ordering a metric fuckton of pizza for our hungry hoard of ninjas."

"I want ham and pineapple!" Yuuta piped up.

"You're disgusting!" Susumu replied, with Kakashi nodding in agreement in the background.

"You have no taste!" Yuuta shot back, not missing a beat.

"Shh! Trying to listen to this poor fucker on the line!" Ryuu shushed, hand flapping at the bickering shinobi.

Everyone quieted down.

Immediately, Ryuu's voice changed to a gentle, sweet tone as he addressed the one on the phone. "Hi, I'd like to make a large order to my home. I should be in your delivery system. Yes, it's Ryuu." 

There was a pause, before Ryuu started ordering a few pizzas that he knew everyone wanted, before he sweetly asked them to hold on for a moment.

He then turned to everyone in the room, and in typical Ryuu fashion, asked, "Alright sluts! What the fuck kind of pizza do you want, and do you want cheesey bread or a calzone as well?"

He then addressed Itachi and Tenzou in a much gentler tone.

"Oh, but you two arent sluts you're perfect little angels." He cooed.

"What about me~?" Shisui butted in, batting his eyelashes at him.

Ryuu' face scrunched up, though his lips still twitches upwards in a smile as he said, "Not you, you're the biggest slut in this room! Now what do you wanna eat?"

Shisui let out a bark of laughter, as did Susumu, Yuuta, and even Kakashi, before he finally told him what he wanted.

A little while later, Ryuu had relayed all of the orders to the poor man on the phone, and hung up.

"I feel like we should give the delivery guy a huge tip." Kakashi suggested, visible eye crinkled in mirth.

"Yeah isn't Ryuu kinda infamous for unnecessarily large tips anyways?" Shisui pointed out.

"Always tip well, cause there's always those assholes who don't tip or give really shitty tips." Ryuu reminded.

"Should we all pool for tips?" Itachi suggested. "Since Ryuu-senpai insists on paying for all of us." 

"Solid plan, baby Uchiha." Susumu congratulated, sitting up a bit to fish out his wallet, opening it up and tossing out a few yen into a plastic cauldron sitting next to him, passing it around the room.

The total tips collected from everyone turned out to be almost equal to the cost of their order, which, according to Tenzou, was fairly common with their group.

"Ryuu-senpai and his team are always really rowdy, especially with Shisui and Kakashi-senpai here." Tenzou informed Itachi. "So this is sort of a way of our apology to the delivery guy, so that they keep delivering to us."

Itachi nodded in understanding.

He didn't really know Tenzou too well, but he was the only other person here that wasn't as rowdy, so he instinctively stayed close to him, even though Shisui was also there.

"Alright, settle down, ya heathens!" Ryuu barked out, quieting the room, save for the sound of Yuuta hitting the floor after being wrestled out of his seat by Kakashi.

Ryuu then marched to the door, cauldron and wallet in hand, as he greeted the delivery guy.

He motioned for some help in bringing the pizzas and other food and drink inside, which led to a scramble, with a few more people sprawled on the floor.

Briefly, as he carried a few boxes of hot pizza inside, Itachi reminded himself that yes, these were Konoha's elite.

Hard for him to entirely believe, especially with Kakashi, the Copy Cat Ninja himself, now face down ass up on the floor after tripping over a crochet blanket that somehow ended up wrapped around his legs.

Amazing.

Konoha has never been more safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO PROOFREADING WE DIE LIKE MEN


	4. Only Real Anbu Crave Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Itachi ends up on a mission with Kakashi and Ryuu.
> 
> It ends in a darker note.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for like. Suicidal thoughts/ideation/past suicide attempts.
> 
> Anbu's fucked up, man.
> 
> Feels bad, but the memes tho.

Itachi was currently on a mission with Kakashi and Ryuu, and things were going...

Strange.

The opponent they faced could perfectly mimic a person, from their memories, appearance, and even chakra.

Which is what led to the current predicament.

"Kill him! He's the fake!" Screamed one of the two Ryuus that Itachi and Kakashi were currently faced with.

Itachi didn't know what to do. 

He didn't really know Ryuu that much, and he didn't want to kill them both just in case.

However, Kakashi would end up making the call, turning his blade on the one who had said to kill the other.

"What?!" The fake cried out. "But how?!"

"The real Ryuu would Never turn down a chance to die." Kakashi growled, eyes narrowed as he sliced through the imposter.

The real Ryuu just shrugged.

"Eh, its true." He admitted. "Ah well, mission success, time to bag this bitch up and go home."

"Senpai, are you...alright?" Itachi would later ask, concerned at how ready he seemed to die.

"Yeah, I'm fine, kid." Ryuu assured, ruffling Itachi's hair. "I'm Anbu. That becomes normal after a few years. No need to report this mess to the higher ups. I already know how to play them, anyways, so it'd jut be a waste of time."

And then, in a more serious tone. "Hopefully you never end up like this, kid. I'd suggest getting the fuck out of dodge as quickly as possible, before you end up like the rest of us."

And with that, he left Itachi to his own devices, the young Uchiha pondering what was just said to him.

Briefly, he wondered what Ryuu would say if he knew that he had tried to kill himself when he was around five years old.

Either way, Itachi felt something of a sort of kinship with the normally off-the-wall Anbu Captain, as if he were finally starting to get to know the man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO PROOFREADING WE DIE LIKE MEN


	5. An Extra Passenger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Itachi didn't think things could get weirder, but then they did.
> 
> And it all started because of a stubborn fish that refused to become lunch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rip Itachi.
> 
> I'd say Rip Kakashi, but Kakashi was lost to us many years ago.
> 
> Save that man.
> 
> So yah new character.
> 
> Who this

Ah, the Anbu Black Ops.

An elite organization made up of only the most powerful and intelligent shinobi in the Hidden Leaf Village.

And two of them were screaming by a river bank, while another repeatedly slammed a headless, gutted, and scaled fish onto a rock in an attempt to make it stop moving.

What?

Itachi briefly wondered if this was real, and not some sort of strange dream he was having.

"IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD I GUTTED, BEHEADED, AND SKINNED THE SCALES OFF OF IT!" Ryuu screamed.

"THEN WHY IS IT STILL MOVING?!" Tense screamed back.

"IT WON'T DIE!" Susumu shouted as he bashed the fish repeatedly onto a rock. 

Kakashi looked like he was dissociating so hard that Itachi swore he could see his soul ascend from his corporeal form.

Itachi would have been jealous, but he was too busy trying to decide whether or not this was too funny to not be present for, or too absurd.

Either way, he hadn't mastered Kakashi's "dissociate on command" coping skills yet, so he was stuck watching the three scream and beat a still-flailing fish fillet until one of them finally decided to set it on fire.

Only for it's flaming corpse to continue jumping about camp, seemingly possessed, and determined to chase down the ones responsible for its death.

"Captain?" Itachi asked, trying to get Kakashi's attention before he tried to preform a senance to summon the man back from wherever his soul had gone. 

"What's up?" Kakashi answered, voice still far away.

"Anbu is supposed to be stealthy." Itachi began.

"Yeah." Kakashi confirmed, looking about as dead inside as usual.

"Those three are making a lot of noise." Itachi pointed out.

"Yup." Kakashi popped the "p", nodding in agreement, but still not snapping out of it.

"Doesn't this make us susceptible to enemy ambushes since they know where we are and since three of us are distracted?" Itachi finally asked, looking around in concern.

"You make a good argument." Kakashi applauded. "However, you don't need to worry about that."

"Why?" Itachi pressed on, brows furrowed as Kakashi remained seemingly indifferent to everything going on.

Kakashi suddenly pulled out a flask, and began unscrewing the top.

"Because it seems we have an extra passenger." He stated, before downing the contents of the flask without pulling his mask off.

Suddenly, the noise stopped, the sudden dead silence making the quiet footsteps of an approaching stranger sound deafening.

A lone man, around the age of Tenzo.

His appearance could only be described as "handsome homeless nature gay", a crown of fresh flowers adorning his head, bare feet, slightly tattered pants, and a button down shirt, slightly stained with grass and dirt.

"Hello." He greeted smoothly, breaking the silence, and unleashing an ungodly amount of noise from the three who were once being chased by a flaming undead fish.

As if Itachi needed to know anymore strange people in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO PROOFREADING WE DIE LIKE MEN


	6. Storm Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Storm Party at Yong-Sun's place! Everyone's invited!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harvey, eat your heart out.

Konoha was typically too far inland to really be affected by hurricanes or tropical storms.

However.

There was a particularly nasty storm that was about to hit Konoha.

And Ryuu, along with his teammates, and a few others from the Anbu, were having a party.

Shisui was going, so Itachi tagged along.

And it was...interesting.

"What do they hope to accomplish by doing that?" Itachi wondered out loud as he watched Ryuu and Mori, the young man from the flaming fish incident, scream at the storm outside.

"Dunno, but it looks fun." Shisui shrugged, before going to join them.

"You might get sick!" Itachi shouted out after him.

"I'll be fine!" Shisui shouted back, voice barely audible from the thunderous downpour.

Itachi sighed, and leaned back in his seat.

"Now you're getting it." Kakashi praised, patting his shoulder. 

"I'm not sure that's a good thing." Itachi replied.

Kakashi just shrugged, momentarily distracted as Tenzou ran out, using his wood style jutsu to protect him from the rain as he tried to drag Mori back in.

"Probably not, but what can you do?" Kakashi continued, watching the theatrics with a lazy gaze.

"Absolutely nothing, with Yong-Sun." Susumu stated.

"That's true!" Yuuta agreed, leaning over the Aburame to offer Itachi a steaming cup of tea. "We've learned to just go with the flow when it comes to Yong-Sun; he usually knows what he's doing."

"Yong-Sun?" Itachi questioned after thanking Yuuta for the tea.

"The rain reminds him of his home." Susumu answered. "Besides, he honestly likes that name better anyways. Ryuu is usually just a work name. When Yuuta, Mori, and I are all together with Yong-Sun, we don't call him Ryuu." 

"We also call Mori "Hanuel", as well." Yuuta added on. "That's his original name, before he came to the Leaf. He's from the same continent as Yong-Sun."

Itachi let this new information mull over for a bit, until he was snapped out of his thoughts when a drenched Shisui launched himself at him.

Itachi quickly dodged, somehow without spilling his tea, and glared at his cousin, who only laughed at him.

Behind him, Itachi saw poor Tenzou drenched as well, being hugged and twirled around by Hanuel, who looked more lively and happy than Itachi had previously thought possible.

"Come on, Itachi!" Shisui goaded. "It's fun!" 

"Join us! Join us! Join us! Join us! Join us!" They chanted.

Itachi looked towards Kakashi for support, but the older man merely sighed, got up, and jumped outside as they all cheered.

"Bugs don't like getting wet." Susumu explained when Itachi looked towards him for support after Yuuta followed Kakashi into the downpour. "You should enjoy yourself, though. Hanuel will keep you from getting sick."

Itachi looked out, the rain almost as loud as the chanting from all of the drenched shinobi outside.

He sighed, and finally jumped in, joining the others in their ridiculous rain activities, only to return home a few hours later, drenched in rain and mud, with a glass bottle full of some remedy clasped in his hand, and a childlike smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO PROOFREADING WE DIE LIKE MEN


	7. Honey, I Stole Some Babies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mori makes a successful heist, and people are freaking out.
> 
> Also, it gets kinda gay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Mori and Tenzou are nature gays together, and now they're gonna raise Shin and Sai as their very own murder children.
> 
> Itachi continues to be amazed.

Everything was chaos.

Two future Foundation members had been kidnapped, and Danzo was furious.

People were scrambling to find the one responsible, until.

"Hey what's up I just stole two kids they're mine now." Mori stated when he walked into Ryuu's office.

"Mori what the actual fuck?!" Kakashi actually shouted.

"Listen, we all know what Fuckzo would have done to these kids, and one in particular is sick anyways so like wyd." Mori defended, looking at Tenzou for help.

Tenzou only nodded in agreement with Mori, knowing firsthand what went down in the Foundation.

No one could argue that truth.

"Yeah but you can't just steal children, Mori." Susumu argued.

"Why not?" Ryuu asked, genuinely confused. "If you steal them, they're yours. That's how it was back home."

Mori nodded in agreement, adding on, "If you're too weak to protect your welps, then they aren't safe with you."

"It's acceptable and recommended to steal children in your society?" Itachi questioned, completely taken aback by this.

"Pretty much." Ryuu answered. "How do you think I had 20 siblings back home? Sure, my dad's pull-out game was atrocious, and sure, he had like. Three wives, but like??? A lot of my siblings were just stolen from weaklings who couldn't protect them enough to prevent them from being stolen."

Mori nodded knowingly.

Well then.

"Okay we still have the problem of us being legally obligated to take you in for this." Kakashi reminded, hand on the tanto blade on his back.

"Already went to the Hokage about it." Mori shot back, waltzing over to Tenzou, who, surprisingly, looked ready to throw down with Kakashi over this.

Mori placed a gentle hand on the side of Tenzou's face, tension bleeding out immediately as his massive eyes stared up at him.

"I'll probably need help taking care of those kids, and you could relate to them and help them in ways I never could." Mori whispered to him, smiling softly.

Tenzou placed his hand on top of the one that cupped his cheek, and smiled back, nodding.

"Gayyy." Ryuu said, elongating the word and ruining the moment.

"Bitch you got like three boyfriends." Mori shot back, causing Susumu and Ryuu to curl up in fits of laughter.

And like that, the entire room's mood had shifted, and Itachi was yet again left to stand there, amazed at what the fuck just happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO PROOFREADING WE DIE LIKE MEN


	8. No Need for Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Itachi finds out why there aren't many medics in the Anbu while seeing Healer Salt in person.
> 
> Rest in fucking pieces, Ryuu.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo what's up I fucking hate playing as healer in games unless I'm the dps healer.
> 
> You don't need to heal if you just kill all the enemies.

Mori apparently had a very particular purpose in Anbu.

That being the resident medic.

Apparently Dragon's Blood, the kekkei genkai that both Mori and Ryuu possessed, was something that varied greatly amongst each individual who had it, with Mori being more inclined to abilities that allowed him to heal.

Useful, but when he's been dealing with almost twenty people shouting at him to heal them, he starts to get...

Tired.

After some time, Itachi witnessed Mori growing more and more...agitated?

No...

It was more like that look Kakashi often got in his eye when Ryuu or Susumu were doing something stupid.

A look of resignation, like he was dead inside.

During this particular mission, Itachi saw Mori walk up to Ryuu, who was on the ground, passed out.

"Get up, bitch." Mori drawled out, lightly kicking Ryuu to rouse him. 

Ryuu groaned, and only lifted his hand to flip him off as he muffled, "Fuck you", as his response.

"Uh huh, whatever." Mori brushed off, stooping down to heal Ryuu's injuries. 

"Itachi!" Mori called out once he stood back up. "Watch after this dipshit. Gotta go spank some asses now." 

"O...kay...?" Itachi asked more than responded, walking towards Ryuu as Mori walked out to "spank some asses".

"Oh wow, I didn't think he actually would." Itachi commented, watching with a mix of horror and amusement as Mori literally dragged their enemies out and spanked their asses.

"Good thing he's here on this mission." Kakashi commented. 

"We need them alive, and no one's better at that than Mori." Tenzou agreed, beaming with pride, even underneath his mask.

"Yah but he'll kill their fucking pride and not bat an eye over it." Ryuu laughed, apparently entirely better after being healed by Mori.

"I don't give a fuck; I hate being healer and I wouldn't have to if THESE FUCKERS," Mori literally kicked the ass of one of them, now tied up at his feet. "didn't hurt any of you." 

"You don't have to heal if your teammates don't get hurt." Susumu said, tapping his head knowingly.

"Eyyy!" Mori jiggled finger guns at him, which he mimicked.

Oh.

"Is that why there aren't many medics in Anbu?" Itachi asked Kakashi.

"Yes." Kakashi responded. "Because you don't need medics if you kill the enemy before they hurt you."

Good point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO PROOFREADING WE DIE LIKE MEN


	9. Easdropping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes Anbu find intel that they weren't looking for.
> 
> Sometimes Itachi hears things he wish he never heard.
> 
> Sometimes Itachi regrets being in the Anbu.
> 
> A lot of times, it's his senpais' or his captain's fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today, we have Ryuu and Kakashi kinkshaming ppl with foot fetishes, and Itachi's relatively untainted mind being slowly tainted.
> 
> Anbu ain't for kids, y'all.

Itachi sometimes ended up easdropping on the weirdest conversations.

For example, talk between Kakashi and Ryuu over some...odd, intel Ryuu had picked up.

"Dude he has a fucking foot fetish he was talking about sucking on toes!" Ryuu whisper-shouted, apparently utterly appalled.

Kakashi probably had a disgusted look under his mask.

"That's disgusting." Kakashi commented. "How the fuck did you find that out?"

"OKAY SO-" Ryuu began very loudly, but then toned it back down after realizing how loud he was being. "I noticed him writing something, and I thought it pertained to the data I needed to gather, but I took a look and he was writing some weird porn shit about toe-sucking and foot jobs."

"Holy fucking shit why?" Kakashi asked.

God, listening to this was like a bad wreck- you couldn't look away.

"Apparently he uses an alias and writes a lot of weird fetish shit like that and publishes it! He's famous for writing that shit!" Ryuu responded, voice very carefully teetering between shouting and whispering.

"God that's fucking disgusting people actually read that shit?" Kakashi continued while sorting through his equipment, putting them away in his locker.

"Apparently he's the number one author for that shit! Top seller in foot fucking and toe sucking." Ryuu answered, rearranging his equipment in his locker before closing it. "I didn't know how to respond while reading it so like part of me wanted to laugh while the other part wanted to die."

"Rest in fucking pieces, Ryuu." Kakashi laughed before shutting his locker as well.

"Fuck you, too, Hatake." Ryuu said, his voice playful as he flipped him off. "I'll see you later, nerd! Take care!"

Ryuu waved before leaving.

Kakashi then turned to Itachi, a familiar glint in his eye.

"Sooo, wanna get a gift for Ryuu-senpai?" He asked, his voice conveying the fact that he had a shit eating grin under that mask of his.

"I don't really have an option here, do I?" Itachi asked, shoulder's slouched, defeated.

Kakashi cheerfully patted his shoulder, and ushered him out with him.

"Looks like you're finally getting it, kid."

God, now he really wishes he didn't join the Anbu.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO PROOFREADING WE DIE LIKE MEN


	10. D A B

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Itachi falls victim to peer pressure during his time in the Anbu Black Ops.
> 
> Ryuu continues to be a walking human disaster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even sorry for this old-ass joke.
> 
> All I can say is- 
> 
> Dabbing is now Gay Culture, because Tenzou and Mori are boyfriends and they dab to each other.
> 
> It's also Trans Culture because both Ryuu and Mori are trans and they also dab to each other.
> 
> (Also I hope y'all realize I'm joking)  
> (Not about Mori and Ryuu being gay and trans tho that's canon cause I made them with my very own gay trans hands)

For some reason, there was this...dance?

Fad?

Itachi couldn't tell, but what he did know, is that it was called "dabbing" and a lot of folks in the Anbu did it for some reason.

For the last few weeks, everytime Kakashi or Tenzou made eye contact with Ryuu or Susumu, they'd dab, before continuing on, like nothing happened.

And then Shisui and Yuuta started doing it.

"Come on, Baby Uchiha." Susumu pressed. "Join us in our shitty dabbing."

"Mori doesn't dab." Itachi pointed out.

"Mori dabs." Tenzou corrected, nodding knowingly.

"Bullshit." Kakashi called. "I've never seen that boy dab."

Tenzou gave his senpai an almost challenging look.

"Oh, yeah?" Tenzou said, before turning his head towards the forest to shout, "Hey, Mori!"

As usual, Mori somehow formed from the abyss when called, staring at Tenzou questionably.

Tenzou dabbed at him, and everyone turned their eyes towards Mori, looking on expectantly.

Mori blinked, his usual neutral facial expression on, before he suddenly dropped down for a sick ass dab.

And everyone screamed.

Mori got up, and walked over smiling, before turning his attention to Itachi.

Of course.

Itachi sighed tiredly, before copying Mori's dab, executing it perfectly, much to everyone's amusement.

A few weeks later, dabbing was banned from the Anbu HQ, after Ryuu accidentally dabbed so hard his mask went flying off of his face, hitting someone and knocking them out, while breaking the mask itself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO PROOFREADING WE DIE LIKE MEN


	11. Dogs Are My Friends Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryuu has some puppies, and Kakashi is in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let Kakashi be happy.
> 
> Let him just play with these sentient marshmallows forever, actually.

Kakashi-senpai loved dogs, which was kind of a given, considering he summons dogs, he has a dog mask, and his clan, Hatake, was known for being very close to dogs and wolves.

Even knowing this, Itachi did not expect the man's usually cool composure to break when faced with tiny, fluffy, yippy puppies.

Silla, the foreign country that Ryuu and Mori were from, had been making more and more contact with the Leaf, and had recently sent more people, and several gifts.

One of the gifts were puppies, which Ryuu had been tasked to raising at his home for the time being.

"They stink of milk." Kakashi cooed as he sat amongst the fluffy little beasts, cradling them like precious children. "They're like cotton balls that grew faces."

"Yeah, they're still babies." Ryuu agreed, looking tired yet happy as he watched Kakashi play with the pups. "The envoy let me snag a few before giving the rest to the Inuzuka. Thought you might appreciate them, since you train and work with nin hounds."

Kakashi leg out a noise that Itachi never thought he could make as he held a tan pup with black markings to his chest.

"Thank you." Kakashi almost sounded like he was gonna cry. "I'll cherish him forever."

Ryuu smiled.

"Thought you would." He said, before turning to Itachi. "What about you? Do you have any interest in these pups?"

Itachi came forward, and sat down next to Kakashi, before beckoning a white pup to himself.

He smiled as the puppy licked his fingers.

"They're really cute." Itachi admitted. "I usually work with birds or cats though, so I'm not sure how dogs would fit in."

"Oh, yeah, Uchiha usually work with cats." Ryuu remembered. 

"More for me." Kakashi cooed, now with two puppies in his lap.

"I'll probably keep one myself, but maybe not as a nin hound." Ryuu stated. "I'll just have Yuuta watch after the pup while I'm off on missions."

"Or me, if I'm free." Kakashi immediately offered as he play-fought with the pups.

"Or Kakashi, if he's free." Ryuu laughed.

Itachi simply smiled at the scene before him.

It wasn't often that Kakashi-senpai looked so content and happy, and it made Itachi happy to see him like that.

Itachi liked his captain, and thought it a shame that he didn't get to be happy very often.

Plus, even though he himself was more of a cat person, he still thought the puppies were adorable, especially seeing them yap and play-fight with Kakashi-senpai.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO PROOFREADING WE DIE LIKE MEN


	12. Happy Birthday!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryuu and Friends get ready to throw a party for Kakashi.
> 
> Kakashi becomes the happiest birthday boy, and Ryuu's secret third boyfriend is revealed!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all I know this is late cause Kakashi's birthday is like. On the 15th but whatever here Have This Wholesome Long Chapter.

For a while, Itachi had forgotten Mori's comment on Ryuu having "like, three boyfriends", until a shocking discovery was made.

On Kakashi-senpai's birthday.

First off, Itachi didn't actually know it was going to be Kakashi's birthday until Ryuu and a few others magicked him away to go get gifts for him the day before.

Second, he also had no idea that Kakashi was also Ryuu's boyfriend.

Well, one of them.

It was an interesting thing to be explained to him.

"See, most folk think it's really weird for someone to have more than one significant other here for some reason." Ryuu explained. "So usually, it's just Susumu that everyone believes is my only boyfriend, but we both are boyfriends with Yuuta as well, and Kakashi is my boyfriend, too."

"But not Susumu-senpai and Yuuta-san's boyfriend?" Itachi questioned.

"Nope! Just mine." Ryuu replied. "See, Susumu and Yuuta get along with Kakashi, but Kakashi doesn't wanna be with them in that way."

"Well, not yet." Susumu added in, smirking. "He seems to be warming up to me and Yuuta."

Ryuu playfully smacked his shoulder, but didn't really say anything more about that, and instead brought their attention to their current mission-

Operation: Get Kakashi Birthday Presents.

"Usually people pitch in for one gift. Were getting him several?" Itachi asked.

"Well, where I come from, unless the gift is super fucking expensive, we usually give lots of presents for birthdays and holidays." Ryuu answered. "Besides, I wanna show through action how much Kakashi means to us!"

As if heralded by his words, the Leaf's very own Green Beast arrived, almost blinding Itachi with the shine coming off of his teeth.

"I see you are all getting gifts for my Eternal Rival!" He exclaimed. "I, will accompany you in this celebration of youth!" 

"Gai this is a covert operation please." Ryuu shushed, finger to his lips as his eyes darted around. "You're lucky that Kakashi is on a solo mission today."

Gai immediately shrieked a bit.

"My apologies, Ryuu! I'll try to be quieter!" Gai whisper-shouted.

Well, it was a start.

"So, Ryuu was planning a party. Not really a surprise one, because ninjas don't do well with surprises, but a party." Mori brought up, along with a list. "I have already procured basic items and decorations for the party, and Ryuu is supplying a location, so currently, all we need is presents and food."

Itachi noted how Tenzou tensed a bit at the mention of "surprises", and how he seemed to blush a bit.

Interesting, he'd have to ask for details later.

"You gonna bake one of your famous cakes, Mori?" Susumu asked, smiling down at him.

Cakes?

Now Itachi was very much interested.

"Along with a few other baked goods." Mori confirmed. "I already got all the ingredients ready."

"Mori and I already have gifts, too." Tenzou added, looking very proud of himself. "We tagged along to help, though."

"Rad as hell." Ryuu responded, taking out a pair of shades and putting them on his face. "Now, we go forth, and get gifts for our favorite masked shinobi."

He then laid out the plans of which shops to hit, and who would go where, along with gift ideas for Kakashi, before they all set out.

As quick as a whip, they all finished their shopping, and reported back to their Base of Operations, AKA Ryuu's house.

"Alright, I hope one of y'all knows how to wrap gifts cause I sure as hell don't know how." Ryuu stated, laying out a few rolls of wrapping paper, bags, tissues, and other gift supplies.

"It doesn't matter how bad the wrapping is. All that matters is that it was wrapped and given with love." Mori stated sagely.

Tenzou, Yuuta, and Susumu nodded in agreement, and Gai actually started crying and ranting about how youthful that was.

"You could just use a gift box." Itachi pointed out. "That way it looks good and is easier to open."

After all, that's exactly what he did.

The others turned and stared at him, though there was nothing but amusement from Mori, instead of the presumed distaste for essentially stomping on his sage advice.

"Shit you right." Ryuu replied before foraging through a closet, only to pull out a gift box.

"Reuse to reduce waste! Recycling at its finest!" Ryuu said in an announcer-like voice, much to the amusement of those in the room.

They then got to work wrapping presents, which were then stacked neatly on a table before they got to work decorating the room.

Tomorrow, it'd be filled with food, and ready for the party.

\--

Kakashi knew that something was going on when he returned.

He wasn't sure what, but he could tell that his merry band of misfit friends had something in mind.

Later, after being escorted to Ryuu's house by Tenzou and Itachi, he'd kick himself for not remembering earlier.

It was his birthday.

So of course Ryuu and friends would make a big deal out of it.

Thankfully, they didn't make it a full-on surprise party- no need to relive last year's disasterous Surprise Birthday Party for Tenzou, so no one jumped out at him, but once he had stepped into the decorated room, and had enough time to register his surroundings, everyone went fucking nuts.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAKASHI!" They exclaimed, popping streamers, blowing on sound makers.

Ryuu welcomed Kakashi in, warm smile, and an even warmer kiss against his mask, pulling him into a proper hug.

Kakashi didn't even stop him from putting one of those silly party hats onto his head when he pulled away.

Honestly, he was too happy at he moment.

As much as he berated himself and hated himself, he couldn't help but enjoy the attention, the affection being piled onto him.

For once, he allowed himself this.

He blew out the candles on the cake Mori baked for him- it tastes just as good as it looked, as did the other baked goods he made for the occasion.

Kakashi looked over at Itachi, who seemed to be in heaven, eating and enjoying the sweets.

God, his face hurt from smiling so much.

It was hard not to cry when he was opening his gifts- he could tell which ones were from who just by the wrapping-

The crochet blanket from Mori was wrapped messily, something Kakashi always laughed about, but wouldn't change for the world.

The hand-knit scarf from Ryuu was in one of those easy open gift boxes- one that was familiar, and slightly worn, making it a case of Ryuu reusing boxes and such.

Yuuta had simply put a bow on a potted succulent, saying that Kakashi's apartment lacked any greenery, and that the hardy little plant would brighten up the otherwise gloomy abode.

Gai had gifted him some training weights in a well-wrapped box, posing and going off on another youth rant.

Susumu had simply put a book in a gift bag with colorful tissues on top, stating that he needed to read something other than porn.

Tenzou had carefully and neatly wrapped a hand-carved wooden statue of a dog that looked like Pakkun.

Itachi and Shisui's gifts honestly made him laugh, because the cheeky little brats had gotten him clothes, and had ribbed him, saying that he should wear something other than his uniform for once.

Kakashi made note of that, to later gift the two Uchiha with clothes and rib them on wearing the same stereotypical Uchiha clothes all the time.

All in all, the party wa a success, everyone was happy, but most importantly, Kakashi hadn't stopped smiling the entire time.

Even as the night grew dark, and people left to return home, Kakashi could still feel that euphoric buzz of happiness.

And as he laid in Ryuu's arms, having decided to stay the night, he drifted off to sleep, still smiling.

It truly was a happy birthday for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO PROOFREADING WE DIE LIKE MEN


	13. Homage Candidates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Squad discuss possible Hokage candidates, and chaos ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all, I love Shisui tbh.
> 
> I especially love the idea of Ultimate Prankster Shisui Uchiha, who is in the Bingo Book mostly due to his Horrifying Shenanigans.

Sometimes, they would talk about what-ifs.

Specifically, they'd sometimes talk about possible Hokage candidates.

"I mean it wouldn't surprise me if they asked Kakashi to be Hokage one day, but I know he'd hate it." Ryuu commented.

"Please, don't." Kakashi groaned. "I would literally die if I ever got stuck behind a desk all day."

"Knowing you, that would actually happen, only for you to come back from the dead so you get stuck with the damn job." Susumu joked.

Kakashi punched him in the arm, much to Susumu's amusement.

"I'd say that Itachi has the potential to be an amazing Hokage one day." Mori brought up, eyes sliding to the young Uchiha. "However, it would also make sense for Tenzou to also be on the list, considering his jutsu."

"Me?!" Tenzou exclaimed, blush on his face. 

"Yeah, that does make sense." Kakashi agreed, considering his kohai thoughtfully, though a closer look would reveal that he was mostly doing it to mess with him. "After all, you do have the First Hokage's jutsu."

"Itachi is a genius, and he also has a good heart, so he'd be a good Hokage for preventing war and keeping peace." Susumu added to what Mori said. 

"Thank you, Mori-senpai, Susumu-senpai." Itachi said, bowing. 

"It's true." Mori muttered, ruffling Itachi's hair affectionately, much to Itachi's disdain.

"Just for shits and giggles, I'd want to see Shisui become the Hokage." Ryuu brought up.

The moment those words left his mouth, shinobi everywhere felt a chill run down their spine, as if a primal fear had taken its icy hold on their hearts.

Ryuu grinned.

"That's terrifying." Kakashi stated.

"Bad." Mori agreed.

"I think it'd be amazing, personally." Susumu said with a smirk.

"No!" Tenzou shrieked.

"I don't know, man. Let's see what Itachi thinks, since he knows Shisui well, since they're cousins and all." Ryuu defended, lips curved into the same devilish smirk as Susumu.

All eyes were now on Itachi.

He took a deep breath, and snapped his eyes open, a look of pure terror on them at the thought of Shisui becoming the Hokage.

And the room exploded with noise.

There was shouting, laughter, screaming, and even some sobbing.

At one point, something got set on fire, making the room perfectly mirror the chaos Itachi imagined, were Shisui ever made into the Hokage.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Konoha, Shisui sneezed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO PROOFREADING WE DIE LIKE MEN


	14. That’s Your Horoscope for Today

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Itachi doesn’t know shit about the stars, but his senpais are extremely invested in them, and proceed to gently rib each other about them.
> 
> Also known as- I keep forgetting about the Star/Sun signs of the Naruto cast, and everytime I’m reminded, I am STUNNED but also not too surprised by some of their actions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyways. I’m a slut for zodiac nonsense, and after some research into the Naruto world, I gotta wonder how much thought was put into the Star signs for these characters.
> 
> There’s too many Aquarius signs, is what I’m saying.

Itachi never thought much of zodiac signs, whether they be the yearly or monthly ones.

However, it would seem that Ryuu and Mori cared a surprising amount for them.

“To be completely honest, it’s so surprising that you’re a fucking Aquarius.” Ryuu said to Mori.

“It really shouldn’t be; I do act like it, and it does explain why I don’t fit your idea of a Lavender.” Mori replied. “After all, the majority of Lavenders seem to be water signs, like you, so they’re a lot more family oriented.”

“Yeah that’s true.” Ryuu agreed. “Most Lavenders are Cancers or Pieces, with the odd Virgo and Scorpio thrown in. Every now and then you find a Taurus or maybe even a Capricorn. Mostly Eart and water signs.”

That...didn’t make any sense to Itachi, but then again, he didn’t know anything about “Star signs”.

“Wouldn’t Aquarius be water, too?” Itachi asked, a bit confused. “It’s literally water.”

“It’s actually an air sign.” Mori answered. “Pisces, Cancer, and Scorpio are all water signs.”

“That reminds me!” Ryuu exclaimed, clapping his hands together once. “Itachi, you’re a Gemini, aren’t you?”

Itachi though for a moment, then nodded.

“Probably why you get along with Shisui so well.” Ryuu mused. “He is a Libra, tricky little bastard that he is.”

Despite the harsh words, there was no malice to be found. 

Instead, there was a genuine fondness.

“Gemini also gets along with Aquarius and Leo, which are both my star sign and Tenzou’s star sign, respectively.” Mori added, nodding in approval.

“Okay?” Itachi asked, more than said.

This was so confusing to him.

He didn’t know anything about Star signs, and it showed.

“I never really saw those as important.” He admitted. “They don’t seem to really define people well.”

“If you just go by the star/sun sign, then yes.” Ryuu explained. “See, when you get really deep into it, like your moon, rising, venus, etc., the truth of it becomes honestly terrifying. Like. It’s way too accurate into who you are at your core.”

“That is true.” Susumu butted in, finally. “I never really believed much of it until Yuuta and Ryuu dragged me into their little “cosmic roasting” sessions.”

“Water signs are Like That.” Mori said, sounding both remorseful for Susumu, and playfully contemptuous towards Ryuu and Yuuta.

He then stared Ryuu down, before stating, “Water signs aren’t valid.”

It was then that Kakashi finally spoke up, while gently slapping Mori over the head.

“Water signs are the most valid, actually.” He stated. “Be nice to them.”

“Told you Virgos will always stan us, no matter what.” Ryuu piped up, looking very proud of Kakashi’s support.

“What does that mean?” Itachi asked, throughly confused with this entire conversation.

“Virgos like Kakashi get along really well with water signs.” Ryuu explained, pulling Kakashi close to himself. “In fact, Virgos have the best compatibility with Pisces, which is what I am.”

“Honestly, our polyamorus quartet is pretty well-matched all around.” Susumu added. “Since I’m a Taurus and Yuuta is a Cancer.”

“So much water and earth.” Mori whispered weakly, as if the very thought tired him out.

Itachi opted to just nod in agreement with whatever his senpais said, since he was still confused and didn’t know anything about this topic.

Perhaps later he would do some research on it, but for now, he’d just sit there, very confused as they continued to bicker about Star Signs and stereotypes linked to them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO PROOFREADING WE DIE LIKE MEN


End file.
